Self Value

For most of my adult life, my personal value has been rooted in my professional success. Having low self esteem, I strive for perfection, professionally, because it has always brought me a sense of self satisfaction and value. However, due to my low self esteem, it has never been enough for me to recognize my own value, I have always had a strong need for recognition. Over the years, I have received many, many awards and recognition for my professional work. The recognition always feels good, feeds my ego, makes me feel valued and appreciated. Sadly, the recognition is just a snap shot in time, and the next day,  back to ground zero, having to again, prove myself again. The recognition feels good at the moment, but never feeds my soul, the way I needed, I felt valued and appreciated, but.. it was never enough.. I found myself on a spiral of busting my ass to be the best and then falling into a deep depression, overworked, underfed and bone tired. This cycle would continue.. over and over and over again. Could this have been the cycle of depression and mania associated with bi-polar? Could this just be evidence of my very low self esteem, professional recognition never filling my tank enough to actually feel good about myself, followed by depression over the lack of feel good feelings associate with the professional excellence and recognition. It is hard to tell.


When I retired from the military, I felt as though I was lost. Hanging up my combat boots was like losing myself. While my self esteem has always been an issue, putting my combat boots on in the morning was like putting on my alter-ego. My hard working, self assured, confident self wore a military uniform. When I retired, I felt as though I lost my family, my professional competence and ultimately my identity, or at least the identity I was most proud of. They say transitions in your life cause a great deal of stress. Retiring from the military, moving across the country, starting a new job (essentially a new career), took a toll on my mental well being. Looking back,  it took a bigger toll on me then I was willing to admit. Now, almost four years later, another cross country move, another new career, another new start... I am recognizing the effects it took on me. Moving to a new place, where you don't know anyone, working with people that cannot be your friends because they work for you, no ability to make new friends outside the office because you work too much and failure to recognize the stress, or the impact all these changes have also had on your children... almost too much to handle thinking about, let alone living though...


I have never been close with my family. When moving to a new place with the military, they take care of you, you get a sponsor who helps you get settled, shows you around, helps you find resources you need (daycare, schools, etc.). You instantly bond with people because they have all been there, moved every few years and started over. Even the kids are accepted easily by other military children who understand moving to a new place is difficult.


Moving after the military is different... no one to help you unpack, find resources, learn your way around and your support system is left behind where you left.


This actually is not where I intended to go with this post at all... but, as I write, I realize there are a few lessons in here...


While it is okay to have a strong work identity, in today's world, things change fast, downsizing, rightsizing, technology, all play a roll in your longevity with a company. Such a strong professional identity can be swept out from under you without a moments notice. A strong support system, be it family, friends, church family or anything else is important to help you navigate the changes.


My depression isolates me. My introverted style, keeps me with only a few close knit friends, which I tend to push away, when I am depressed. The sheer act of moving keeps me motivated.. for a while... because there is so much to be done, packing, moving, unpacking and getting a new household put together.. it is easy to keep busy and not focus on the fact that you recently left everything  you knew and behind. Doing this two time in 3 years is stressful. Doing it without a support system is more stressful. Doing it with depression... almost lethal. Once the pomp and circumstance of finding  a place to live, learning to navigate your new home town, getting physically settled in a new home, starting a new job is distracting for a while.. but once it dissipates, the feelings of loneliness, isolation and self loathing set in. Then, there are no close friends to recognize you are isolating. There are no close friends to drag you out of bed when you cant face the world another day... There is just you and your thoughts... your ugly, self-loathing thoughts. You are not established in your new job, so you are getting no recognition to feed your self worth.. all self worth was professionally based. There is no one you know or trust enough to talk about what you are feeling.. You haven't even found a counselor yet.. if you used one to begin with... The last 4 years, since my retirement have been a very slippery slope indeed....


It is time to break out of it.. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of self loathing. I am tired of not having a support system. I am tired of feeling like this.


There is no one to drag me out of my isolation, I have to be my own support system and drag myself out of it. I need to get out of the house and do things to feed my soul... It is time to start taking care of myself.

Boundaries with Children

I was looking for some more articles on establishing healthy boundaries and I came across this...
I am currently having some boundary issues with my eldest son. He is almost 20, living at home, not working, not in school and not helping around the house.


I realize now, this is in a large part, my responsibility, I have neglected setting healthy boundaries. I have given him several ultimatums, which are perceived, rightfully so.. as empty threats.


My son is irresponsible, selfish, self absorbed... I am horrified that this lovely, intelligent child of mine has become such a nasty human being... He recently left me stranded on the side of the road at 2 am, because he didn't want to get up and help me.. This young man, who calls mama to help him with his car, his insurance, his bills.. everything.


He is stuck in this purgatory.. he wants to assert himself as a man, yet, he does it by acting like a child. It appears as though.. he asserts himself at the oddest times (like when I am stranded on the side of the road at 2 am).


Last month, we had a family meeting.. he told me that he hates me and my other sons (his brothers). Then.. he told me that he knows the things he does and says to me are hurtful. He also said he is afraid to move out and be on his own, but wants to part of being part of this family... no part of doing chores, no part of cleaning, helping around the house, transporting his siblings to school... Apparently he just wants to stay in his room, eating my food, rent free..


At that family meeting.. I agree to give him a little over a month to figure out what he wants in life and to make some headway at getting there. Essentially, a month to goof off on the computer and I assume, two days or so this week, filling out applications or looking for a place to live (But he has no job).


Whatever, I gave the kid what he asked for. He keeps breaking my heart.. he has become so ugly and sarcastic... it really breaks my heart....


Anyway, I came across this excerpt (Above) and it hit home.. regarding this situation... I need to give the kid a healthy dose of tough love. The deadline for our next conversation is just a few days away...


This is not about forcing him into the world without a net.. rather forcing him to respect my boundaries, which may in turn.. force him to see the world for what it is, rather than these rose colored, my mom will take care of me forever world he is currently living in.. especially the one where he gets to treat me like shit on his shoe and eat my food, drive my car, use my internet etc.


Regardless of all the boundaries I have to learn to set in my personal life, this truly could be THE most important one. He is my oldest son, of three. If I do not get this right, he could fail at life, because I did not prepare him. If I do not get this right, I am not teaching him to set healthy boundaries for himself. I will be setting a precedent for the other two boys... I have to get this one right.. I think I will spend some time tonight, evaluating my own boundaries in regards to my children.

Insecurity

Insecurity.. I hate this word. I detest it. It is after all, me at my very worst! I find it difficult to know the difference between intuition and insecurity, between setting healthy boundaries and insecure ultimatums. How does one know the difference?




Intuition - the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning:




Insecurity - uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence:




Those whose boundaries are too loose put their hands on strangers and let others touch them inappropriately. They may be sexually promiscuous, confuse sex and love, be driven to be in a sexual relationship, and get too close to others too fast. They may take on the feelings of others as their own, easily become emotionally overwhelmed, give too much, take too much, and be in constant need of reassurance. They may expect others to read their minds, think they can read the minds of others, say "yes" when they want to say "no," and feel  responsible for the feelings of others. Those with loose boundaries often lead chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no fences, gates, locks, or even doors.




I found several different definitions for those with poor boundaries here, this one seems to be the one that most closely resembles my issues.




Ironically, in reflecting, I have always know that I had boundary issues, but never really understood how to fix them.  I had workbooks many years ago for setting boundaries, but they never really seemed to hit me in the right place emotionally to help me make a clear defined plan for learning to establish boundaries.




As I repeat the same old patterns in my life, I find this term, Boundaries more and more important to my recovery or self actualization or self improvement or whatever I call it.. my journey.


Taken from the same website, I want to react a little to these statements.

Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries from Serenity Online

• When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.

Unfortunately, I am usually able to verbalize my boundaries, I am just not able to follow through with them. I know what I want/need in my life and I can usually verbalize it pretty well. However, when it comes to walking away from those who violate my boundaries, this is where I have a problem. Even with my children, for example, I know they are empty threats.. and so do they. I have hurting people, but really, one of my truest insecurities is that if I am taking care of myself and setting healthy boundaries, everyone will walk out my life. Not really coming to terms with the fact that healthy boundaries take care of my emotional self and those that cannot respect my boundaries, should not be in my life to begin with.

• You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries

lol, I think I just said this.. I certainly do not need a relationship with a man who does not respect my boundaries. The alternative is, they refuse to accept my boundaries and stay around.. This IS my issue. I have to learn to take care of myself.

• At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.

I recently laid some boundaries in a relationship and it felt very good to assert myself. However, I immediately starting pulling back on the very boundaries I had set, thinking my boundaries would cause me to lose the person from my life. I have to learn that the reason we set boundaries for ourselves is because we need them. I read somewhere that if you are ruminating over something, take a look at what boundary is being crossed, what is making you uncomfortable... I did that, I figured out what was bothering me and I set some boundaries. The individual I set boundaries with did not balk, did not complain, yell, withdrawal.. but I immediately felt like I said too much, by asserting myself. I think this is going to take some practice.

• When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.

Again... I just said this. I was feeling a little whiny about something.. I knew it was not only a situation that made me uncomfortable, rather the reaction of the other person, that was making me feel uncomfortable. I was proud of myself for recognizing that I was uncomfortable and a boundary needed to be set. I was even proud of myself for understanding what the boundary needed to be. The other person in the situation, reacted calmly, said he understood and was sorry for upsetting me. I immediately felt bad and started to withdraw my boundary... moved it from one of the spectrum to somewhere in the middle. It is important for me to set the boundary firmly.. without apology, without anger, without tears, just set the boundary because it will make me more comfortable in the situation.

• When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.

Lol, are they reading my mind? I apologize for my needs (Boundaries), my desires and for speaking up about them. Even my kids know I will bend, if manipulated correctly. I have also sent mixed messages.. "Please, do not do this" "OK, just do not do it again" "OK, last chance" "OK, really last chance" Even in my alcoholic marriage, I knew early on that I needed to set boundaries. In desperation, the boundaries often ended up sounding like ultimatums.  By blocking off my own needs until I blew up, my boundaries came out sounding like emotional tirades which could not possibly be taken seriously. Then, sadly, because of my depression and mental polarity, people in my life have used my mental illness to excuse me from my own behavior.. discounting the message behind the tantrum. Yes, I may sound like a raving lunatic today, but.. I really need you not to do this anymore. I know, it is hard to take me seriously when I blow up out of anger, frustration, pain... it is only because I should have set a boundary a long time ago, I let it eat at me until I could no longer keep quiet, no longer keep it inside.... It does not mean my feelings are not real, it does not mean the message is not the same. Delivery aside, the message has always been me trying to assert my boundaries. The emotional way it is delivered, that is not because I am crazy or out of control.. it is because I let you violate my boundaries for too long and now I am not able to express them in a calm manner any more. It is not your fault.. I have been unable to tell you my boundaries, sometimes not even knowing what they are myself... until I blow up. Make no mistake though.. if I have reached my boiling point.. something is wrong.. a boundary has been crossed. yes, it might come out.. like a mad woman, barraging you with madness... but, behind the anger, or the tears, or the passive aggressive behavior, something is wrong, you have crossed a boundary. It is my fault that I did not express it sooner.. that is my issue. However... just because I am emotional about it now, does not mean you should discount the message. If my behavior is out of line, when I express the boundary... then establish your own boundary, make me talk to you calmly... but, whatever you do, do not discount what I am saying, to emotions or hormones (That is even worse!!!). This will only make me explode in rage, mostly at myself.. for not being able to establish boundaries before now. If I am exploding, you are way across the line and I cannot contain the madness anymore. I know this is not a healthy way of going about things.. I am still learning... but, do not discount what I am saying, because it comes out emotionally.

• Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.

Looking back over some of my past relationships.. I have come out sounding/looking like a mad woman, because I have not asserted my needs, early on. Yep, I may have expected you to read my mind... but inside, I knew what you were doing was not cool with me... so if I am exploding... I have stuffed away several boundary breaking behaviors enough to finally explode. Instead of looking at my behavior and discounting what I am saying, please help me express myself in a calm manner. If you cannot respect my boundaries, I do not need you in my life, period.

• Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.

No joke.. I am talking 44 years and I am finally taking myself seriously. Looking back at the few times I have asserted my boundaries in a healthy way, it felt so good, so healthy, so good to respect myself enough to lay down my expectations.... Alas, those who know me well, know that my boundaries are often made of rubber.. they can bend and flex and be molded. A truly manipulative person can use this to their advantage.. I need to recognize this and take care to express myself early and well and firmly. Standing behind my word, when my boundaries are broken. Ironically, I think my kids and the men in my life have respected me more, when I set down healthy boundaries. Self confidence really has nothing to do with outward expression of self, rather, how well you can verbalize your needs and boundaries without fear. Setting a boundary without apology, without retracting it, molding it or justifying the other person's bad behavior. Stop making excuses for the people in your life and decide what is acceptable and what it not. People, after all will never respect you.. more than you respect yourself. Failure to identify strong boundaries, early on in a relationship can cause so many lines to be blurred and makes it very difficult to fix, once you have wondered down that road of insecurity and manipulation.


In an article at psychcentral, Dr Dana Gionta says that having healthy boundaries means "knowing and understanding what your limits are"


She recommends that we identify our limits and know where we stand emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. This can be hard to do, if you have never considered what your limits are. If, like me, you have spent most of your life observing people push you past your limits.. it may be difficult to identify where those limits are, all the lines are blurred.


For this, Dr Gionta says to recognize what makes us feel uncomfortable, stressed, resentful.  These feelings are red flags, that we are letting go of our boundaries. It is at this time, when we feel stressed, resentful, uncomfortable that we should evaluate what it is about the conversation, interaction, expectation that is lighting up your distress meter.


Frankly, this requires some higher self awareness, to recognize, in the situation, what you are experiencing. I tried this recently.. I was feeling a little insecure about something. The situation was not comfortable for me, the other person's reaction to the situation was unsettling to me and further ignited my insecurity. The situation.. as it presented itself was something I have little control over.. additionally, I have no control over the other person's reaction to the situation. I am, however, able to identify what I need from the other person.. emotionally, physically.. in order to ride out the inconvenience of a bad situation.... (I am trying to explain without giving any details to protect the other party).


After evaluating the situation, I was able to identify a few things.. what makes me uncomfortable, what I need from the other party, in order to be more accepting of an ugly situation. Most importantly, as I evaluated the situation, I recognized that I had been in this exact same situation, many times before... different time, different place, different person, different details, but the situation, exactly the same. Perhaps we do keep encountering the same thing over and over again, until we get it right...


With this in mind.. I was able to calmly verbalize my needs... Then... my needs became flexible... I was so overwhelmed with guilt about asserting myself.. afraid I would lose my relationship with the other person, if my boundaries remained so rigid. Now, he did not flinch at any of my requests. He apologized for his behavior in the situation and said he would do his best to meet my needs in light of the circumstances... Exactly what I wanted/needed to hear, right? Only, I started to slowly retract what I was saying.. from the outside looking in, I can see it clearly, the way I just started discounting my own needs/feelings. Obviously, that guilt needs to be examined. I need to know where it comes from... I should never feel guilty by expressing my needs.. ever.. but I do...


I am not going to beat myself up over this, however, because this is the first time in my life, I feel like I have been able to recognize that something felt bad.. instead of wallowing in my own insecurity and stuffing my feelings until they burst out of me in an emotional tirade... I calmly recognized what was making me uncomfortable, asked the necessary questions, to alleviate any ruminating I was doing and expressed my needs (Boundaries) in order to be able to ride out the tide of the situation we are in.
I was direct, clear, precise, unemotional. I was proud of myself, it felt good.. it was empowering, it could have set me up for success in this situation. I tried to detach myself from his reaction to my assertions.. his feelings are his, not mine, I am not responsible for his feelings. I AM responsible for my own. I am getting control of this early, in a healthy manner.. it will all be okay! Then.. I started to retract them a little... Just like I did in my alcoholic marriage.. Okay, one drink is ok. One more drink is ok. Do not drink more than this six pack. on and on.... changing my boundaries because I am so afraid to stand up for myself...


I find this ironic... I will stand up for my loved ones, I will roar and bite and mame to protect the ones I love... what does that say about myself esteem, if I am unable to do the same for myself?


Anyway... I identified what was making me uncomfortable, I recognized that I needed to set a boundary to take care of myself. I expressed my boundary assertively, with out emotion, in a calm, direct manner. Before going back on my carefully crafted words (boundaries).. it felt really, really good to assert myself. It truly was a sign of self-respect. How can anyone respect me, if I do not respect myself? it felt good... I cannot beat myself up, I am still learning.. I am going to focus on how good it felt to express myself, without attachment, without anger or tears..


Given that it has taken me 44 years to gain the self-awareness to recognize when a boundary is being crossed and learn to assert my needs.. I cannot expect to get it perfect right out of the gate. Yes, I retracted, but I know I did it. The awareness is coming, the self respect to maintain my boundaries, may very well be the next challenging step.. But, as long as I hold on to how good it felt for me to express myself.. I can continue honing in my self awareness. I can practice identifying when something is upsetting me, what I need to be ok, and how to express it. I can keep going, keep trying.


Truly, the only way to find happiness in life, is by setting boundaries. Boundaries keep others from taking you for granted, from taking advantage of you, from manipulating you.


Tonight.. I am going to visualize about taking down some of my walls, allowing me to be open to receive love. I am going to visualize replacing those walls with clear walls, that can be accessed through a door. Clear.. because I need to be transparent about my boundaries, transparent with my needs. Still a wall, because I need some boundaries.. my problem has always been all or nothing... My boundaries have always been non existent, until I get hurt, then I build the highest, hardest, solid walls around me, to keep everyone else out, the exact opposite of what I really want... and possibly need.... Transparent walls, let everyone know my boundaries.. this is what I need.. this is what I accept and don't.. here is a door.. after accepting me.. and my boundaries, you can come through the door.. but.. once you have agreed to my boundaries, if you are not okay with them... do not come through the door.. I can and will lock you out, if you can not respect me and my boundaries.


Tonight, I will visualize, my new walls, clear and concise. As someone who has rarely put up enough of the right walls.. I may have difficulty with this visualization, but truly, by keeping in touch with my emotions daily, I can establish them as I go.. one day at a time.

Letting Go

A very long time ago, I was part of alateen, a 12-step support group for teens with alcoholics in their lives. While my grandfather was an alcoholic, I didn't really have an alcoholic in my life. My granfather's alcoholism maybe impacted my life twice... it was nothing I had suffered from. My Aunt had just come through some pretty traumatic times in her life and her al-anon meetings helped her cope, build supportive relationships and eventually move on with her life. (although I think recovery is debateable, but that is another conversation.)

As a teenager, I was struggling, I had a lot of emotional wounds I was trying to work through. I joined her a few times, by her invitation, but was not sure I really needed to be there. I had to keep going back, something drew me there. Looking back, perhaps, this was the beginning of my spiritual journey, which would unfold, slowly, over many years through many channels, to arrive where I finally feel like I am on the right path.

One of the phrases, always used in these meetings, "Let go and let God," was common. It symbolized the ability to accept it as it is and let it go. The point was not to stay stuck in it, to give it over to God or your higher power. I always struggled with this idea, not really believing in God anymore, by this point in my life, wanting to accept the idea. Looking back on the phrase, it is a way to give your power over to someone other than yourself.. that is what I struggled with. I was 18, female, at the brink of women's lib, women had jobs, women raised kids, women did it all and took names doing it. I could not fathom giving my power over to someone else, let alone, a God I wasn't sure I believe in.

Later, as my life progressed, I dabbled in different paths towards self fulfillment, enlightenment, spiritual healing and openness. I came across the phrase again.. this time it was "let go with love." This was more palatable to my conscious mind.. Letting go after all, was from the serenity prayer, which I have always said to myself when I felt out of control. Let go of those things that I cannot control. At this time in my life, I was married to an alcholic and trying to find my way again. I found some solace in al-anon. I understand this phrase has more to do with letting go of someone or something, without malace, rather good intent and love.

Letting go... while that phrase has always seemed a process I needed to learn. I have an obsessive personality, A compulive obsessiveness... not like I need to wash my hands, throw salt over my shoulder and spin around 10 times OCD.. But OCD in that when my mind is driven towards something I will obsess about it, compulsively. For example, when I started scrapbooking.. I read everything I could, I purchased everything I could afford and many things I could not afford. I slept and went to work and then scrapbooked. When the pictures started to run out, I started taking road trips on the weekends, so I would have pictures to scrapbook. When I started taking photos of those forced, special moments, I became obsessive about photography. I had to have the best camera, read voraciously about photography, tripods, camera bags, flash bulbs, screens, lights... and so on and so forth. When I started printing the pictures I captured, I needed a better printer, than a bigger printer, than a faster printer....then, I need photo editing software.... you get the idea..Obsessive and  Compulsive.

Anyway, this compulive behavior is the same, no matter the sibject, thousands of self help books, recipe books, photography books, scrapbooking books, scuba books, essential oils, essential oil books, wine books, wine, wine decanters, glasses, sewing things, quilting things, crocheting things, surf board (I have never even used it and have only been on a board once in my entire life.) etc etc. Besides the financial burdeon this causes my life, and those around me, this was always considered part of my manic state. Maybe... it seems more obsessive compulsive than manic... I don't know...

Anyway, these material things and NEED to educate myself.on everything new.. this compulsion also happens when I fall for someone. IN the begining, I am able to maintain an adult presence, a mature relationship.. yet manipulative in someways.. As I write this, I realize that I have a real knack for getting what I want because I have been using my empathy to manipulate them.. SHIT, now I have another thing to explore....Also, because I have read enough relationship books, self help articles, dating advice columns etc, to know how to play the game.. pretend I am not interested, pretend I am not waiting by the phone, pretend I am cool and light and fluffy. This is who I want to be, my dating face, because this is what men want from me.. it is NOT who I am.. I have been obsessed, consumed with a man, waiting for my life to start, once they make me their everything.... slowly becoming more and more insane at hiding my truth.. passive aggressive behavior begins, things bubble up and I cannot keep them down anymore. This is where I think I start to suck the energy out of them.. they feel my obsessive need, even when I do not show it.. they may not even know what it is, but they feel better when they are not near this energy I am putting out. I take a hug and need a kiss, I take a kiss and need a word, A word and I need a ring, a ring and I need.. whatever it is it is not enough.

Now, as I am trying to find myself on a spiritual path of healing... I am trying to lose that obsessive need to be loved and loved in my way.

I am in a small relationship at the moment. I say small because it is new, very recent and it happened super fast. (Part of me thinks this is a problem.. any man that can fall for me so quickly probably has major issues.. lol.) I want to dive in and bathe myself in the positive emotion. I feel needed, I feel loved.... then he does not call.... my intuition told me something was off.. my heart screams, "No, this is what we always wanted and needed," my rational mind is telling me that it is ok, just go with it...

Unfortunately, every time in my life I heard something and turned it off, it ended up being right. Rather than ruminating that my intuition is right and I need to hop off this bus, I confronted him with my questions. To my logical mind, all of his answers make sense, something still feels off...

As I sat here earlier tonight, waiting for a call... again. It occured to me that no one... and I mean no one deserves so much of my energy more than myself. If I had put half as much love into myself as I do worrying about someone elses feelings, many of my relationship issues would deslove. I do not need anyone.. I want someone, I desire someone, but I do not need anyone.. not in the way I have felt, like I could die without them.. what is that?

I feel like I am rambling again.. I did know where I was going with this... As I drifted off into medetation tonight, I found myself asking the universe for an abundance of love. I asked all of the negative self doubt to leave on each exhale and a light, filled with love and positive enrergy and self worth enter me on each inhale. Again, this idea of letting go came to mind, this time from a spiritual teacher of mine. She always said, you have to let go without attachment to the outcome.

I can love someone today, without worrying about tomorrow. I can enjoy spending a day, a week, a month, a season ... without worrying if it will last a lifetime. By setting my sites on the future all the time, worrying about the future, obsessing about it.. I am missing what is right in front of me. The kiss, the comfort in the crook of his arm, the feel of his breath on my neck.. rather than, does he really love me... is he really working late tonight.... does he have two phones.... does he really mean it when he says that... I find it challenging to mitigate that .. but I finaly feel like I have the right phrase for me.. let go, without attachment to the outcome.

Last night, in my vision, I saw my wedding, I saw myself holding hands in the rocking chair, I saw the love of my life take is last breath, as my heart stopped... I saw them, clear as day... I was breathing the salty air, smelling the flowers, feeling the wind brush across my skin.. I was there.. it is going to happen, I saw it.. but... he did not have a face. This could be a way of my soul telling me to relax and let the process happen, enjoy the journey.. or this could be my souls way of telling me that I do not know him yet, he is not in my life yet or we are not on the same path yet... but it is coming.

As I sat here this evening waiting for my phone to ring, I realized this is the less I need today.. I do not like the way it feels when he doesn't call.  That is real, that is today. It does not mean he doesnt care, it could mean, he really was working late, like he said.. my intuition tells me otherwise.. but.. then again, that could be paranoia, old demons creeping their way back into my thoughts. I do not like the way it feels.. I feel unimportant to him at that moment. Now, this does not mean I should accept bad behavior, when letting go.. what it does mean that I need some boundaries.. (another known issue of mine.) I need to tell him what my feelings are and what I need for them to resolve, come to some kind of agreement and then let it go. If he chooses to continue bad behavior (assuming that not calling is bad behavior, of course,) I have to stick to my boundaries. I will not make ultimatums, I just need to do what I say. It is not a threat, it is simply taking care of myself. I cannot be in a relationship like that.. Of course.. I have to be careful, is not calling really that bad, when he said he was super busy on a project at work.. or am I projecting negative experiences from my past into this relationship. That is where everything gets murky.. I know I do not like the way it feels.. rational or not. present feelings only or compounded by the past, I do not like it. I have a few choices here....

1. Do nothing - this sounds like the best option at this point, early in the relationship, a distance relationship at that, while I am trying to figure out what my boundaries are, what they should be and whether or not these feelings are now or the past. The problem with this idea is that.. first of all, if my instinct is right, I will later beat myself up, knowing that at this moment, when something doesnt feel good, I brush it off as paranoia when later, it will be revealed to me that I was right all aloing.. This assumes it is intuition telling me something is off, rather than my insecure emotional self leading the parade. Hard for me to tell the difference at this point.
2. Determine my boundaries and express them, I tried this the other day, I laid out my needs and expectations for the relationship. (though, I did not mention the calling part, lol) To be fair, there has not been enough time since that conversation to know if it was successful or not. Honestly, I fear talking about this irrational thought pattern may damage the relationship at this point.
3. Learn from it - I am trying to do this, trying to learn to discern the difference between insecurity and ituition.  As I write this... maybe they are one and the same at some point. For example, in a previous relationship, I was madly in love, I truly thought I had met my soulmate. To this day, I think he quite possibly was my soulmate.. but again as I think about it, maybe he was just my soulmate for that moment in my life. Is it possible that we have different soulmates at different times in our lives... I digress. Anyway, while I loved him so very much, something always felt off. I knew he loved me back, I could feel his energy. But, something still felt off. It turns out, he was married. I proceded to stay in this relationship for almost 4 years... he never left his wife while we were together. Looking back, that niggling feeling that something was off was my intuition. My heart took over and allowed me to ignore my intuition. I said I would never, ever ignore that feeling again... now, as I journey on a path with this new lover, I have a niggling feeling again.. something is off. Is this paranoia over repeating past mistakes or is it my intuition telling me something is off. Am I projecting.. when he has to work really late... is it because he is married and cannot get to his phone until she is asleep? What is this other number he called me from when his phone went out? Does he have two phones? One for his wife and one for me? How do I know what is intuition and what is paranoia? What is bad behavior that requires setting boundaries for myself in the relationship and what is projecting insecurities from a previous relationship?

I suppose I have more options.. Frankly, I am tired now and I still have no answers.. I just want them to come to me.. Hopefully all this spiritual work will help me determine what is real, what is projecting, what is intuition, what is paranoia...

One of the things I usually do when at some sort of impass.. when I am feeling incongruent is state the serenity prayer. (My kids call this withcraft, because when they are ticking me off, I sort of mumble it under my breath, really fast) Being that I am not religious, I have changed this prayer over time.. I call it my serenity affirmation, rather than prayer. I have changed the word GOD to higher power, than universe, and finally I just give myself what I need, I believe after all that my higher power is within myself.

I give myself serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I give myself Courage to change the things I can.

I give myself the widsom to know the difference.

Another variation is

 I have the serenity within me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdwom to know the difference. - 

I think this is the one I will end up with.. I am not giving my power over to someone or something else, but by giving it to myself, it means I do not already have it. Trying out the power of positive thinking, the secret and law of attraction, I now just say that I have the serenity, courage and wisdom.

I think I want that on a tattoo: Serenity, Courage, Wisdom with an eternity symbol perhaps.

My eyes are heavy.. my heart is heavy from ruminating over this.. writing about it has not given me any clarity, meditation brought me something different tonight.. So, for tonight, his late night text message will go unanswered.. not because I am passive aggressive, but because wanting to hear from the one you are currently sharing life with is not a bad thing, it should be a given. If you cannot think of me until 10:30 pm, I am sorry but I am no longer available, I am meditating, writing and healing myself. Maybe he really did work late (we did take two days off last week together and he may very well need to get caught up at work tonight). If that is the case, then the behavior will be better tomorrow, as today was a one time thing. If it does not get better.. frankly, I cannot worry myself with it.. I need to focus on my self actualization and worrying about what he is thinking or doing is not helpful to that cause. That is letting go... I would like to continue seeing him at this point, I have  a lot of fun with him and we had a very spiritual experience together, very powerful..something like that experience is not easily forgotten... but, maybe it was just a moment. Perhaps his journey is different than mine.. it really cannot make a difference any more. If our time together is brief, it has been an amazing ride.. I need to focus on that. I already saw my vision, my wedding, my love dying in my arms as I take my last breath... I saw these things, they will happen.... if I spend to much time trying to manipulate my current situation into it.. I am only prolonging the experince I am waiting for.

Like the waves crashing on the rocky shore.. chipping away at the sand and rock to create what will be a beautuful coast line... Whatever this experience with him is here to teach me, I accept it for what it is and look forward to seeing where it takes me... because I know there is beauty and love and light ahead of me.. I no longer wish to keep repeating old patterns of negativity, neediness, compulsive desire... I wish to travel the road....These are just scenes in my journey, passing by like road signs.. they are in my consicous mind now, which is only a blip of eternity and they are gone, before I am approaching the next. I choose to watch as things pass by me, notice them, accept them and move on. Maybe I need to stop for fuel or to change a tire once in a while.. maybe I will need to change vehicles a few times on my journey.. bit if I focus on where the journey is taking me, what is at the end of the road... I am missing all the beautiful things it has put in front of me today.. Wow, lol that sounds deep, even to me...

Goodnight all you lovely bipolar, OCD, empaths.. we are beautiful and we have a gift, I honor my gift and I choose to enjoy the journey.. today.. tomorrow I may have to go throught the same thing, but eventually, if I keep telling myself how beautiful the road is, all the spectacular sites along the way.. when I open my eyes and my mind.. all will be beautiful.. I have seen it.. and now I know that I cannot get there.. I am already there... I just have to open my heart and my mind.. life is beautiful.

The first spiritual cleansing

I almost hesitate to write this down as it sounds ridiculous to my logical mind and probably anyone who reads it. Only someone who may have experienced something similar could possibly understand the experience I am about to describe.

Spending a day with a lover in what I call blissful timelessness, those days that just melt into hours, you are so absorbed in the moment, that time and space become irrelevant. Everything is just about the here and the now, what you are feeling here and now, nothing about the past on your mind, nothing about the future in your worried heart. It just is. While I have experienced blissful timelessness, as I call it, before. This time was completely different.

As we talked and snuggled and just enjoyed the moment in each others presence, I some how felt connected to him. Yes, our physical bodies were touching.. but it was something much deeper and incomprehensible to the rational mind. It was a beautiful connection. Suddenly, as we touched, our bodies were charged with emotional energy. Every touch ingnited a sensation of pleasure, almost ecstacy. This laster for what felt like a lifetime, both of us feeling the energy, passing it back and forth, aroused by it, incredibly turned on by it, but not wanting it to end, no desire to turn it into sex, it was sex.. it was something much, much more powerful than sex, on some different plane. Is this tantra? We took turns asking the other, if it was real. Was it really happening? Do you feel what I feel? Is any of this possible? Really, truly possible?

Suddenly, I could feel pain in him, as I touched him, flashes of images from his life, that I have no way of knowing came into my mind. I literally felt his pain and intuitively knew the words to say to help him heal, I felt as if I could move energy in his body. I felt as if I was sending him positive, healing energy. It was incredible. I really was afraid I was hallucinating. Did I just say that out loud? Did I really just tell him I was sending energy to his heart to heal it? WTH is going on here, this is incredibly surreal... But... he felt it too.

I am not religious, at all, agnostic bordering on atheist would be how I describe myself. I have never believed in faith healing and all of that, but this experience has certainly opened my mind to new possiblities. Not on a religious aspect, but a very powerful spirituality.

As we touched, we were so aroused by the magnetic energy surrounding us. We actually discussed if we wanted to have sex, both of us agreeing that it might end whatever this was... not wanting this amazing physical and energetic connection to end. Instead, we climaxed many times over. We climaxed together.. our clothes were still on.

We quickly removed our clothes, realizing that the more skin parts that touched, the more incredible the sensation. We curled together in an embrace and experienced something, I cannot find the words to describe.. is it possible to cum from your eyeballs? Surely we did not just feel that.. lets try it again.. Can we climax through our toes? Holy crap, did that just happen?

Again, I realize how ridiculous this sounds to the logical mind... I would be skeptical had I been reading about this experience of someone else. But, It was real, it was incredible.

Again, as we curled naked together, trying to touch as many body parts as we could, feeling the vibrational energy everywhere, we discussed having sex. Neither of us was interested in ending what we were feeling at this moment, so we continued to touch and send energy back and forth, it was amazing and beautiful and profound and frankly quite unbelieveable.

Without going into all the details.. we experienced an other-wordly experience together., Maybe I truly can move energy around, is this my gift? Until my experience last night, I thought it was something about the two of us being together, some sort of symbiosis. Now, after last night's experience, I am more curious about what I can do on my own. Yes, I do want to experience that magic we had many more times, but now, I feel the strong urge to cultivate my own abilities, assuming they actually exhist. I am just as much considering myself a crazy person, with halucintations at this point.... but.. he felt it too... and, my back doesnt hurt anymore. Say it is all in my head... maybe it is, but if that is the case, it is true that most of us have no idea the power of the mind...

I am thrilled to be on this spiritual journey...

The day after

Since last night was my second experience in the realm of spiritual cleansing, I thought it necessary to write about the things that occur the day after such an experience.

First of all, sleep eluded me last night. I think part of it was fear that my body would once again drift into the space it had occupied earlier in the evening. It is not that I do not want to go back there, I actually want to, need to.. but the physical exhaustion is profound. I felt completely drained, as if I had been crying for hours and hours..

I wish I knew how long the entire experience lasted, maybe I will time it next time.

Anyway, as I tossed and turned, little pieces of emotional baggage floated to the surface.. things I need to work on, places I need to heal. It was almost as if the experience was some how lingering, but not dramatic as it had when I was in the zone.. I do not even know what to call that place right now.

I should mention that during the experience last night, in addition to extreme emotional pain that manifested itself physically, I also cried at the beauty of the little girl with her daddy, the ceremony on the beach. I cried at how beautiful it was, how it was every feeling I have ever wanted to feel, that was always just out of reach.

Somehow, the experience gave me a sense of knowing. Just knowing that everything I have ever desired is coming to me, I just have to sit back and let it unfold. I imagine, I also have to work on some more emotional baggage too. Which reminds me, I feel lighter today. Physically lighter, as if some of those heavy, heavy things I have been holding onto were removed through this experience. My heart feels lighter,less heavy.

My shoulder... does not hurt at all today. I have been struggling with a pinched nerve and muscle spasms for weeks and weeks, but as I envisioned sending healing energy to my shoulder last night, I think it actually worked. Ironically, the other side feels tight today, perhaps next time I should send that healing energy to everything in my body. Perhaps it is true that we get what we focus on...

I cannot express in any words, last nights experience or even the long term effects that may linger. I just know that it was an amazing transormation for me and I would like to continue this journey.

Spiritual Healing

I did not intend to write another post tonight. I just had the second most intense spiritual experience of my life. I am not even sure it makes sense for me to write it, it was such an out of body experience, my soul is singing right now, but my mind is trying to talk me out of what I just experienced.

For starters, I have yet to journal about my most intense experience, which happened just a few days ago, quite possibly because my mind could not fathom what happened. So, I want to start by writing about this one, as it is so fresh, I still feel its effects.

I am feeling a little emotionally unstable today. I can logically justify that instability by telling myself that it is because the guy I am currently seeing, has some things to take care of before we can be completely together. As in every other relationship in my life, I sat by the phone most of the day. I can justify it and say I had a long weekend, I stayed in bed all day because I was tired, because I wanted to rest before returning to work tomorrow.

When I did hear from him, I did not want to be excited, I wanted to tell him my boundaries in the relationship. I wanted to express my needs and I did. I did this because in the past, I have tried to hide my insecurities, from them, from myself... When the man I am with does something to make me insecure, I usually say nothing. (which, if you know me, you would never suspect I am quiet about anything on my mind!) Anyway, I usually let the insecurity build up.. until, the bad behavior starts.. I become passive aggressive, emotional, needy, obsessive. I make every possible action on his part, a betrayal of some sort, feeding into my own insecurity. In time, A good man, becomes exhausted by this. I have been called a psychic vampire. As I begin to study energy, I understand it, these men were exhausted by me. They did love me, they just need to distance themselves from me, because I drain the energy from them. Psychic vampire is such a horrible term. It hurt me endlessly to be called this, because they know exactly what they are saying, without even knowing. I become the one in the room that is so miserable, so negative towards everything that you cannot keep them in your space too long. In a relationship, where you spend much of your time together, this begins to wear on you, break you down, make you feel like you are suffocating. Indeed, as I look back on my emotional energy at the time, I very well was draining them, I was trying so hard to fill my empty emotional bucket with love, but I needed it from them. They did love me.. or they wouldn't have stuck around so long, eventually, however, it feels like your soul has been sucked dry. They find someway to leave. They may outright say they are done, or they too begin to behave badly and do something to have me end the relationship.

Anyway.. I digress, but felt a need to give a little back story.. frankly as I started writing the back story, it occurs to me that none of this had ever occured to me so consciously before.

Ok, Ok, back to the story... (this blog is called ramblings... just sayin). I had been thinking about the past, my relationships, things I still needed emotional closure on. I contacted two of those men, wanting to talk about things that were surfacing for me. One of them will call me tomorrow. The other, is somewhat spiritual himself, probably more so than I. He and I talked a little and then we talked about the need we both have to get together and do some healing, understanding and forgiveness. This is a huge step, he tried to do this with me at another time in my life, but I was not ready. This is a huge step, because we have some very deep and powerful experiences to discuss, including a lost child. My mind does not look forward to this, but my soul, my soul needs to heal and I know this is a necessary step for us.

 I have some insecurities about my current relationship and was trying to set some boundaries today, to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Frankly, they may have sounded as ultimatums and maybe they are, but they were firm boundaries. (I have never done this before and stuck to it). This time, I intend to stick to my boundaries, as I know this has caused me many difficulties in my life, in relationships with lovers and my children.So, I felt this is important as I am on this personal growth journey. I also tried very hard to detach myself from his response. On this, I didn't do as well, but we all start somewhere. I turned my phone off, to try and stop the endless chatter I would put myself into if I continued to wait. My phone simply was not ringing because it was turned off... I tried, but kept turing the phone back on and torturing myself for the lack of an answer. I digress again...

Also, on numerous occassions, I felt as though I can read peoples emotional energy. I always have, but rarely pay attention to it. Usually, it is someone I love or care about, I literraly think I can feel their energy, feel it, not sense it, but feel it. The way it feels to be them. Happy, sad, angry, ruminating, I can feel the energy. I cannot always put my finger on it, but the better I know a person, the more accessible this is.

Anyway, with all of these things swimming around in my head, I ended up doing some reading on energy, reiki, energy healing etc. At some point, I decided to metitate. I put on a third eye meditation, supposed to open your third eye. I closed my eyes and listened to the guided meditation. I wasn't quite getting there.. I needed music to get me there, not someones voice, so I put on some music, called spiritual healing music.

I layed on my bed and closed my eyes, really just wanting to get rid of the stress and some of the ruminating I had been doing all day. THinking I needed to cleanse the stress before heading back to work tomorrow, where I carry my confident persona.  Anyway, It was not long into the music, I could fel myself drifting to an alternate state of consciousness. I was awake, but not awake, something very different than anything I can describe, but I literally felt detached from my body.

As allowed this rather odd state of consciousness (to my mind) to sink over me, images started running through my mind, just quick snippets of an image, two things came up from my current relationship. Intuition or insecurity, I don't know, it is hard to tell the difference sometimes. But, I try to tell myself that if it is just  a sense that somethings is off, but unexplicable why it feels off, this is my intuition. If I it has specifics, like " he must be doing this because..." I am trying to attribute that to insecurity, not everyting is about me... not everyone is trying to hurt me. A nagging feeling with specific information is my insecurity. lol, or am I just trying to convince my mind to stop telling me what I don't want to hear. Whatever the impetus is that makes me feel that way, I have to detach from it and let it go. I am aware that I need to stop being attached to the outcome and just go with it, but the actions are much harder than talking about it.

Anyway, some of those things flashed in my mind first. I tried to push them aside and go deeper into my heart. Suddenly, the image was me, in my room, I could see the room, it was one I had lived in. I was crying, it was literally one of the worst days of my entire life. I started sobbing, but it was intense, transporting me back to that day. almost ten years ago. I was sobbing just as hard as if it was that day, tears were litterally running down my cheeks. My heart felt like it was cracking. Not imagined, I literally felt like I was having a heart attack, it was that intense. I considered shaking myself out of this altered state, in case I really was having a heart attack. Instead, I decided to let the pain wash over me. I was reminded of being in labor. I just focused on the pain, let it take over and it will subside. I imagined how that worked... swelling of intense agony... peaking.. then subsiding.. Focusing on your breath... you are somehow able to find the strength to power through each wave of pain. As I imaganed this, I am still sobbing. Sobbing so hard I feared my kids my hear it. Sobbing uncontrollably... forcing myself to stay in it and let it wash over me.. pain... peaks... subside... My heart truly felt as though it was cracking.... as I took a deep breath I imagined the relief of pushing during labor. LIke you are pushing with every ounce of strength, pushing, pushing, until you hear the sobs of new life on the other side of the pain, the intense, overwhelming feelings of love for this new life that came from your own womb.

Suddenly, a vision of some blue birds, reminiscent of a Disney movie appeared and the birds had some beautiful silk ribbon. They sewed my heart with the ribbon.. as they sewed, I am transported again to a beautiful field, filled with daffodils and daiseys. I am running in the field towards a man. He awaits me with outstretched arms and I jump into his arms and we spin around, laughing. My heart feels overwhelmed again. This time it feels as though it is going to burst out of my chest. I think it hurts, but its a different hurt. Like the phrase, I love you so much, it hurts... I felt that powerful love for the man in the field. We run off into the flowers, hand in hand and a feeling of intense emotional love overwhelms my body. I can feel my body physically writing in pain now, back and forth between extreme emotional pain and sheer pain from loving with everything I have. Back and forth, I am sobbing, crying of pain, of joy. It was incredibly intense.

Visions of us laying in bed, smiling, glowing in the warmth of eachother after making love. we are looking into each others eyes, and I literally felt my hand reach out to him on the bed.. but of course, this was all in my mind, or my heart, or my third eye or whatever it was...

Now I am on a beach, the same beach I recently had a very spiritual event. On the Northern Coast of California the angry waves are crashing agains the rocks. and calmly rolling out to do it again.. hmm... similar to the waves of pain I just descrbed. I started to atune my breath with the crashing waves.. I look up and there is an aisle of flowers and a gazebo at the end. I start to walk down the flowery aisle in a white flowing dress and bare feet. At the other end is a minister of some sort, maybe a judge? The same man is standing there waiting for me.

Then a vision of an old couple, sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of a log cabin in a mountain pasture. The couple is holding hands and they are filled with love.. I feel the love, it is powerful, but not needy, a kind of love that is more about the person you love than the feeling you get in return. True love, without need. Then, they are laying in bed, older still,  white down comforter on the bed, where they lay side by side, looking at each other with the same, intense love. They whisper love to each other, look each other in the eyes, filled with such powerful love, they each take thier last breath, at the same time. One of them was me. I still cannot see his face...

I think to myself that this is what is coming my way, that perfect cinderella kind of love. I am on my way to the love I have been seeking. Suddenly, the face is mine, the man is me... I am filling my own heart with love, but it is not just me, there is a man there and he loves me, but my own self love feels more intense and satisfactory.

I am now at a wedding reception, I assume is ours... and then visualize a man and woman dancing. This time,  I could see the man, he looked almost like my father, but with kinder eyes, filled with love. Another scene flashes, a little girl dancing with her daddy, I could see the dress and everything. She is dancing on his shoes and he whirls her around. She feels so loved, she cannot stand it. She feels so loved, she will never seek love for insecurity. The little girl was me somehow, but I could only see the back. But I felt the way her daddy loved her and it was powerful, primal and protective.

I was amazed at this, it felt like I was transported backwards to some emitional wounds, but after the picture flashed, the pain subsided and energy came into my cells. It was incredibly powerful.

I decided to focus on that healing energy and try to send it to my nexk and my back. I wanted to make the pain I have been feeling in my back for so long to go away.

I noticed, as I tried to send the warm energy to my back, it turned to cold, like an ice pack. Amazing! I made a mental note to read up on mind-body healing.

As I am writing this, the images are getting faded, I cannot remember anymore what I was seeing, but I remember something made my stomach twitch and writhe in pain, I tried to focus my energy on my stomach. I could literally feel the warm energy come in through my body and towards my stomach but kept getting blocked at my lungs. Breathing slowly, in and out, I visualized breathing warm energy in and exhaling everything dark and painful... it was surreal.

THere were other physical manifestations, but as I write, I am losing clarity. Now I know to keep the back stories to a minimum until the experience is written. Then I can go back and evaluate it.

I feel emotionally drained now. It was so powerful, I could feel the emotions from my visions. My eyes are becoming heavy. I am curious if I can get there again, so quickly, wanted to close my eyes and find out. At the same time, trying to find balance and recognizing that too much of a good thing, becomes a bad thing. But, how could all that emotional energy and healing be a bad thing?? I can only say that I literally felt it so severely, so real, that every myscle in my body is sore.

So, instead, I wish to close my mind and let the dreams unfold.

Have you ever had an experience like this or am I literally off my rocker? I feel the need to read and see if anyone else has ever experinced something like this..

To a good night sleep and healing energy, I plan to drift off to a sweet and restful slumber, free of some of the emotional scars I have been carrying around.

Finding Spirituality

I woke just after dawn, to find the waves crashing against the rugged northern california shore. I was compelled to travel down a path in the woods. I was surrounded by beauty, the awe of the rugged shore, chipping away at the rocks, forming a new earth, the scent of ferns, the strengh of towering red woods.

The smell of salty air has always calmed me. The tranquility of nature confounded me. I love to be in the woods, on the beach, in the ocean diving, kayaking down a quiet stream, kayaking in the waves of the ocean.

I was compelled to sit on a bench and remove my shoes, to feel closer to the earth. I needed to connect to its energy. I closed my eyes and felt the gentle wind on my face, the heat of the sun starting to peak through the forrest, the sounds of a woodpecker in the distance and a frog near by. I could hear the scamper of a squirrel up a nearby seqouia, a bird, welcoming the morning, its song getting closer to me as I just listened.

I felt something watching me and opened my eyes. The bird was no longer singing, but watching me. I looked the bird in the eyes and found some kind of tranquility there, some kind of knowing that everything will always be okay. The bird once again began his song and flew away, but I felt connected to it. I felt connected to the earth, to the bird.

I walked down the path to the ocean, the battered beach was quiet. I listened to the waves crashing, the rough batter against the rocks, thinking to myself that the rough waters were only paving a path to a more beautiful shoreline. I had heard it before, to find strength in the tree who bends with the wind. The tree is battered by the wind and it digs in its roots and bends, allowing itself to grow with the wind, rather than be beaten by it.

It was then that I realized why so many spiritual people need to be outside. Something about finding peace in nature. Noticing that nature learns to conform and grow, it evolves with its surroundings.

Just like the devestation of a fire, the land that heals itself, while scarred, grows again, sometimes more beautiful and bountiful then it once began.

I have always been drawn to the image of a phoenix, mostly as a symbol of rising from the ashes, but it was  a surface thing, I was pleased by the idea of it. Now I know it is much more than that, it is a concept that I need to embrace, a personal philosophy, that no matter what burns me, I will always come out above it, stronger.

A blog or a journal

I have always loved to write. I have had many blogs, various subjects, never satisfied with the results of my writing, always looking to get something from it.

It was not until recently that I realized, it was less about entertaining and more about journaling. I wanted other people to read my blog and empathize with me, look up to me, be entertained by me. None of that was fulfilling, because none of it was my true motivation for writing.

I once kept journals. I had dozens of them, from different times in my life. Mostly ramblings about my feelings, usually about relationships. In a relationship, my love read all of my old journals. I felt violated. It was not because I had anything to hide from him, it was that he let himself, uninvited to my private thoughts. I felt violated because he used insecurities I felt against me. He spoke of former lovers I had written about and was threatened by the raw feeling and emotions in my journals.

I threw every single journal away, it was mostly as a symbol to him, that I was leaving the past behind me. The problem was, I was not ready to leave it behind, Having those journals now, would help me understand my motivations, my repeated patterns... finding the patterns earlier in myself, perhaps to find out where certain insecurities or vulnerabilities began and what negativity I was trying to overcome early on. What poor decisions did I make, trying to heal old wounds.

As I explore my insecurities, and heal those old wounds, I really wish I had those journals. I felt resentful of not having them. Then, it occured to me, that even the act of getting rid of all my journals was a symptom of old wounds. Giving away little peices of myself for the love and acceptance of others. Yes, getting rid of those journals was supposed to be symbolic of healing and moving on. Rather throwing them away, was giving away a piece of myself, many pieces of pain and hurt that were not healed. I needed to keep them until I was ready. I needed to keep them because they were private. My pain, my dreams... They were mine to keep. They were not his to come in, uninvited even, and then to use them against me to feed his own insecurity. It was his issue, not mine. If reading my private thoughts was hurtful to him, he should have stopped reading them. Rather he held things against me, things that had absolutely nothing to do with him. He used feelings from my past, love for someone, my ramblings as I tried to negotiate the rough waters of my emotions. Yes, that was his problem, he was not invited in, yet he took it. Esentially, he raped me, not in a sexual way, no... this was much worse, this was an emotional raping. I was violated.

As I explore my inner life and share on a public blog, I am trying to recognize that I should not be ashamed of my thoughts and feelings anymore. They do not need to be hidden. I should not worry about hurting someone else's feelings when it may mean being untrue to myself. I have a right to own my thoughts, my feelings, my insecurities. They are mine. I choose now to share them, because it is part of my spiritual journey. Writing about them helps me, sharing them helps me release them. If I can open up to those secrets I have kept locked away and hidden, I can let them go. Letting go, after all is the only way to let the new stuff in.

I invite you on this spiritual journey with me. I invite you to find strength in my weaknesses. I invite you to find health in my pain. I invite you to recognize when something rings true with yourself and heal along side me.

Life is a journey.

Ramblings of a bi-polar empath

I have known of my depression for a very long time now. I have struggled with self esteem issues. I have struggled with desire to be loved and accepted by my father. I only recently realized that I may also be bi-polar. That is difficult one to admit. Acceptance of this, is the only way for me to recognize the patterns and heal myself from my emotional wounds.

I am slowly learning about myself, through my journey to spiritualism. Many people mistake spirituality with religion. I think religion is just a way for people to put a name to something they do not understand. I way for people to try and find a path to a higher self. I am starting to believe the higher power is within. It is not external, at all and religion is a way for people to externalize this. But, externalizing it, to me, means giving over the power to someone else, to dogma. '

For me, spirituality is learning to find your own higher power, the one you own, the one that you control, rather than allowing someone else's dogma to control you. I suppose this perspective may be controversial to the un-enlightened, to the very firm believers in god or whatever religion you choose to follow. Truthfully, I think the Budhists have this figured out better than anyone. Finding everything you need internally, rather than looking externally for your self fulfillment. Be it, religion, love, happiness, acceptance, finding a higher power means finding your own peace, happiness, self acceptance and love.

I am on a journey to heal some old wounds by trying to understand the motivations behind my poor decisions. Not only understanding my poor decisions, but my negative self talk, by inability to be humble, my need for love, my need for acceptance.

I am coming to recognize negative patterns in my life. Patterns I have repeated in all of my relationships, with lovers, with friends, with my children. I am coming to recognize that I may need to go back and heal some early wounds in order to break the negative patterns.

I knew this, in my 20s, but I was not ready. I wanted to cast blame, play the victim to the things that happened in my life. I wanted to blame other people or circumstances, rather than myself. Later, I began to blame myself for everything.

Now, I am trying to find forgiveness. I am trying to find what I desire, from myself. The power is mine, I am starting to understand that. I just have to learn how to find it.