Ramblings of a bi-polar empath

I have known of my depression for a very long time now. I have struggled with self esteem issues. I have struggled with desire to be loved and accepted by my father. I only recently realized that I may also be bi-polar. That is difficult one to admit. Acceptance of this, is the only way for me to recognize the patterns and heal myself from my emotional wounds.

I am slowly learning about myself, through my journey to spiritualism. Many people mistake spirituality with religion. I think religion is just a way for people to put a name to something they do not understand. I way for people to try and find a path to a higher self. I am starting to believe the higher power is within. It is not external, at all and religion is a way for people to externalize this. But, externalizing it, to me, means giving over the power to someone else, to dogma. '

For me, spirituality is learning to find your own higher power, the one you own, the one that you control, rather than allowing someone else's dogma to control you. I suppose this perspective may be controversial to the un-enlightened, to the very firm believers in god or whatever religion you choose to follow. Truthfully, I think the Budhists have this figured out better than anyone. Finding everything you need internally, rather than looking externally for your self fulfillment. Be it, religion, love, happiness, acceptance, finding a higher power means finding your own peace, happiness, self acceptance and love.

I am on a journey to heal some old wounds by trying to understand the motivations behind my poor decisions. Not only understanding my poor decisions, but my negative self talk, by inability to be humble, my need for love, my need for acceptance.

I am coming to recognize negative patterns in my life. Patterns I have repeated in all of my relationships, with lovers, with friends, with my children. I am coming to recognize that I may need to go back and heal some early wounds in order to break the negative patterns.

I knew this, in my 20s, but I was not ready. I wanted to cast blame, play the victim to the things that happened in my life. I wanted to blame other people or circumstances, rather than myself. Later, I began to blame myself for everything.

Now, I am trying to find forgiveness. I am trying to find what I desire, from myself. The power is mine, I am starting to understand that. I just have to learn how to find it.