Intuition - the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning:
Insecurity - uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence:
Those whose boundaries are too loose put their hands on strangers and let others touch them inappropriately. They may be sexually promiscuous, confuse sex and love, be driven to be in a sexual relationship, and get too close to others too fast. They may take on the feelings of others as their own, easily become emotionally overwhelmed, give too much, take too much, and be in constant need of reassurance. They may expect others to read their minds, think they can read the minds of others, say "yes" when they want to say "no," and feel responsible for the feelings of others. Those with loose boundaries often lead chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no fences, gates, locks, or even doors.
I found several different definitions for those with poor boundaries here, this one seems to be the one that most closely resembles my issues.
Ironically, in reflecting, I have always know that I had boundary issues, but never really understood how to fix them. I had workbooks many years ago for setting boundaries, but they never really seemed to hit me in the right place emotionally to help me make a clear defined plan for learning to establish boundaries.
As I repeat the same old patterns in my life, I find this term, Boundaries more and more important to my recovery or self actualization or self improvement or whatever I call it.. my journey.
Taken from the same website, I want to react a little to these statements.
Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries from Serenity Online
- When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
Unfortunately, I am usually able to verbalize my boundaries, I am just not able to follow through with them. I know what I want/need in my life and I can usually verbalize it pretty well. However, when it comes to walking away from those who violate my boundaries, this is where I have a problem. Even with my children, for example, I know they are empty threats.. and so do they. I have hurting people, but really, one of my truest insecurities is that if I am taking care of myself and setting healthy boundaries, everyone will walk out my life. Not really coming to terms with the fact that healthy boundaries take care of my emotional self and those that cannot respect my boundaries, should not be in my life to begin with.
- You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries
lol, I think I just said this.. I certainly do not need a relationship with a man who does not respect my boundaries. The alternative is, they refuse to accept my boundaries and stay around.. This IS my issue. I have to learn to take care of myself.
- At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
I recently laid some boundaries in a relationship and it felt very good to assert myself. However, I immediately starting pulling back on the very boundaries I had set, thinking my boundaries would cause me to lose the person from my life. I have to learn that the reason we set boundaries for ourselves is because we need them. I read somewhere that if you are ruminating over something, take a look at what boundary is being crossed, what is making you uncomfortable... I did that, I figured out what was bothering me and I set some boundaries. The individual I set boundaries with did not balk, did not complain, yell, withdrawal.. but I immediately felt like I said too much, by asserting myself. I think this is going to take some practice.
- When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
Again... I just said this. I was feeling a little whiny about something.. I knew it was not only a situation that made me uncomfortable, rather the reaction of the other person, that was making me feel uncomfortable. I was proud of myself for recognizing that I was uncomfortable and a boundary needed to be set. I was even proud of myself for understanding what the boundary needed to be. The other person in the situation, reacted calmly, said he understood and was sorry for upsetting me. I immediately felt bad and started to withdraw my boundary... moved it from one of the spectrum to somewhere in the middle. It is important for me to set the boundary firmly.. without apology, without anger, without tears, just set the boundary because it will make me more comfortable in the situation.
- When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
Lol, are they reading my mind? I apologize for my needs (Boundaries), my desires and for speaking up about them. Even my kids know I will bend, if manipulated correctly. I have also sent mixed messages.. "Please, do not do this" "OK, just do not do it again" "OK, last chance" "OK, really last chance" Even in my alcoholic marriage, I knew early on that I needed to set boundaries. In desperation, the boundaries often ended up sounding like ultimatums. By blocking off my own needs until I blew up, my boundaries came out sounding like emotional tirades which could not possibly be taken seriously. Then, sadly, because of my depression and mental polarity, people in my life have used my mental illness to excuse me from my own behavior.. discounting the message behind the tantrum. Yes, I may sound like a raving lunatic today, but.. I really need you not to do this anymore. I know, it is hard to take me seriously when I blow up out of anger, frustration, pain... it is only because I should have set a boundary a long time ago, I let it eat at me until I could no longer keep quiet, no longer keep it inside.... It does not mean my feelings are not real, it does not mean the message is not the same. Delivery aside, the message has always been me trying to assert my boundaries. The emotional way it is delivered, that is not because I am crazy or out of control.. it is because I let you violate my boundaries for too long and now I am not able to express them in a calm manner any more. It is not your fault.. I have been unable to tell you my boundaries, sometimes not even knowing what they are myself... until I blow up. Make no mistake though.. if I have reached my boiling point.. something is wrong.. a boundary has been crossed. yes, it might come out.. like a mad woman, barraging you with madness... but, behind the anger, or the tears, or the passive aggressive behavior, something is wrong, you have crossed a boundary. It is my fault that I did not express it sooner.. that is my issue. However... just because I am emotional about it now, does not mean you should discount the message. If my behavior is out of line, when I express the boundary... then establish your own boundary, make me talk to you calmly... but, whatever you do, do not discount what I am saying, to emotions or hormones (That is even worse!!!). This will only make me explode in rage, mostly at myself.. for not being able to establish boundaries before now. If I am exploding, you are way across the line and I cannot contain the madness anymore. I know this is not a healthy way of going about things.. I am still learning... but, do not discount what I am saying, because it comes out emotionally.
- Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
Looking back over some of my past relationships.. I have come out sounding/looking like a mad woman, because I have not asserted my needs, early on. Yep, I may have expected you to read my mind... but inside, I knew what you were doing was not cool with me... so if I am exploding... I have stuffed away several boundary breaking behaviors enough to finally explode. Instead of looking at my behavior and discounting what I am saying, please help me express myself in a calm manner. If you cannot respect my boundaries, I do not need you in my life, period.
- Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
No joke.. I am talking 44 years and I am finally taking myself seriously. Looking back at the few times I have asserted my boundaries in a healthy way, it felt so good, so healthy, so good to respect myself enough to lay down my expectations.... Alas, those who know me well, know that my boundaries are often made of rubber.. they can bend and flex and be molded. A truly manipulative person can use this to their advantage.. I need to recognize this and take care to express myself early and well and firmly. Standing behind my word, when my boundaries are broken. Ironically, I think my kids and the men in my life have respected me more, when I set down healthy boundaries. Self confidence really has nothing to do with outward expression of self, rather, how well you can verbalize your needs and boundaries without fear. Setting a boundary without apology, without retracting it, molding it or justifying the other person's bad behavior. Stop making excuses for the people in your life and decide what is acceptable and what it not. People, after all will never respect you.. more than you respect yourself. Failure to identify strong boundaries, early on in a relationship can cause so many lines to be blurred and makes it very difficult to fix, once you have wondered down that road of insecurity and manipulation.
In an article at psychcentral, Dr Dana Gionta says that having healthy boundaries means "knowing and understanding what your limits are"
She recommends that we identify our limits and know where we stand emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. This can be hard to do, if you have never considered what your limits are. If, like me, you have spent most of your life observing people push you past your limits.. it may be difficult to identify where those limits are, all the lines are blurred.
For this, Dr Gionta says to recognize what makes us feel uncomfortable, stressed, resentful. These feelings are red flags, that we are letting go of our boundaries. It is at this time, when we feel stressed, resentful, uncomfortable that we should evaluate what it is about the conversation, interaction, expectation that is lighting up your distress meter.
Frankly, this requires some higher self awareness, to recognize, in the situation, what you are experiencing. I tried this recently.. I was feeling a little insecure about something. The situation was not comfortable for me, the other person's reaction to the situation was unsettling to me and further ignited my insecurity. The situation.. as it presented itself was something I have little control over.. additionally, I have no control over the other person's reaction to the situation. I am, however, able to identify what I need from the other person.. emotionally, physically.. in order to ride out the inconvenience of a bad situation.... (I am trying to explain without giving any details to protect the other party).
After evaluating the situation, I was able to identify a few things.. what makes me uncomfortable, what I need from the other party, in order to be more accepting of an ugly situation. Most importantly, as I evaluated the situation, I recognized that I had been in this exact same situation, many times before... different time, different place, different person, different details, but the situation, exactly the same. Perhaps we do keep encountering the same thing over and over again, until we get it right...
With this in mind.. I was able to calmly verbalize my needs... Then... my needs became flexible... I was so overwhelmed with guilt about asserting myself.. afraid I would lose my relationship with the other person, if my boundaries remained so rigid. Now, he did not flinch at any of my requests. He apologized for his behavior in the situation and said he would do his best to meet my needs in light of the circumstances... Exactly what I wanted/needed to hear, right? Only, I started to slowly retract what I was saying.. from the outside looking in, I can see it clearly, the way I just started discounting my own needs/feelings. Obviously, that guilt needs to be examined. I need to know where it comes from... I should never feel guilty by expressing my needs.. ever.. but I do...
I am not going to beat myself up over this, however, because this is the first time in my life, I feel like I have been able to recognize that something felt bad.. instead of wallowing in my own insecurity and stuffing my feelings until they burst out of me in an emotional tirade... I calmly recognized what was making me uncomfortable, asked the necessary questions, to alleviate any ruminating I was doing and expressed my needs (Boundaries) in order to be able to ride out the tide of the situation we are in.
I was direct, clear, precise, unemotional. I was proud of myself, it felt good.. it was empowering, it could have set me up for success in this situation. I tried to detach myself from his reaction to my assertions.. his feelings are his, not mine, I am not responsible for his feelings. I AM responsible for my own. I am getting control of this early, in a healthy manner.. it will all be okay! Then.. I started to retract them a little... Just like I did in my alcoholic marriage.. Okay, one drink is ok. One more drink is ok. Do not drink more than this six pack. on and on.... changing my boundaries because I am so afraid to stand up for myself...
I find this ironic... I will stand up for my loved ones, I will roar and bite and mame to protect the ones I love... what does that say about myself esteem, if I am unable to do the same for myself?
Anyway... I identified what was making me uncomfortable, I recognized that I needed to set a boundary to take care of myself. I expressed my boundary assertively, with out emotion, in a calm, direct manner. Before going back on my carefully crafted words (boundaries).. it felt really, really good to assert myself. It truly was a sign of self-respect. How can anyone respect me, if I do not respect myself? it felt good... I cannot beat myself up, I am still learning.. I am going to focus on how good it felt to express myself, without attachment, without anger or tears..
Given that it has taken me 44 years to gain the self-awareness to recognize when a boundary is being crossed and learn to assert my needs.. I cannot expect to get it perfect right out of the gate. Yes, I retracted, but I know I did it. The awareness is coming, the self respect to maintain my boundaries, may very well be the next challenging step.. But, as long as I hold on to how good it felt for me to express myself.. I can continue honing in my self awareness. I can practice identifying when something is upsetting me, what I need to be ok, and how to express it. I can keep going, keep trying.
Truly, the only way to find happiness in life, is by setting boundaries. Boundaries keep others from taking you for granted, from taking advantage of you, from manipulating you.
Tonight.. I am going to visualize about taking down some of my walls, allowing me to be open to receive love. I am going to visualize replacing those walls with clear walls, that can be accessed through a door. Clear.. because I need to be transparent about my boundaries, transparent with my needs. Still a wall, because I need some boundaries.. my problem has always been all or nothing... My boundaries have always been non existent, until I get hurt, then I build the highest, hardest, solid walls around me, to keep everyone else out, the exact opposite of what I really want... and possibly need.... Transparent walls, let everyone know my boundaries.. this is what I need.. this is what I accept and don't.. here is a door.. after accepting me.. and my boundaries, you can come through the door.. but.. once you have agreed to my boundaries, if you are not okay with them... do not come through the door.. I can and will lock you out, if you can not respect me and my boundaries.
Tonight, I will visualize, my new walls, clear and concise. As someone who has rarely put up enough of the right walls.. I may have difficulty with this visualization, but truly, by keeping in touch with my emotions daily, I can establish them as I go.. one day at a time.
In an article at psychcentral, Dr Dana Gionta says that having healthy boundaries means "knowing and understanding what your limits are"
She recommends that we identify our limits and know where we stand emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. This can be hard to do, if you have never considered what your limits are. If, like me, you have spent most of your life observing people push you past your limits.. it may be difficult to identify where those limits are, all the lines are blurred.
For this, Dr Gionta says to recognize what makes us feel uncomfortable, stressed, resentful. These feelings are red flags, that we are letting go of our boundaries. It is at this time, when we feel stressed, resentful, uncomfortable that we should evaluate what it is about the conversation, interaction, expectation that is lighting up your distress meter.
Frankly, this requires some higher self awareness, to recognize, in the situation, what you are experiencing. I tried this recently.. I was feeling a little insecure about something. The situation was not comfortable for me, the other person's reaction to the situation was unsettling to me and further ignited my insecurity. The situation.. as it presented itself was something I have little control over.. additionally, I have no control over the other person's reaction to the situation. I am, however, able to identify what I need from the other person.. emotionally, physically.. in order to ride out the inconvenience of a bad situation.... (I am trying to explain without giving any details to protect the other party).
After evaluating the situation, I was able to identify a few things.. what makes me uncomfortable, what I need from the other party, in order to be more accepting of an ugly situation. Most importantly, as I evaluated the situation, I recognized that I had been in this exact same situation, many times before... different time, different place, different person, different details, but the situation, exactly the same. Perhaps we do keep encountering the same thing over and over again, until we get it right...
With this in mind.. I was able to calmly verbalize my needs... Then... my needs became flexible... I was so overwhelmed with guilt about asserting myself.. afraid I would lose my relationship with the other person, if my boundaries remained so rigid. Now, he did not flinch at any of my requests. He apologized for his behavior in the situation and said he would do his best to meet my needs in light of the circumstances... Exactly what I wanted/needed to hear, right? Only, I started to slowly retract what I was saying.. from the outside looking in, I can see it clearly, the way I just started discounting my own needs/feelings. Obviously, that guilt needs to be examined. I need to know where it comes from... I should never feel guilty by expressing my needs.. ever.. but I do...
I am not going to beat myself up over this, however, because this is the first time in my life, I feel like I have been able to recognize that something felt bad.. instead of wallowing in my own insecurity and stuffing my feelings until they burst out of me in an emotional tirade... I calmly recognized what was making me uncomfortable, asked the necessary questions, to alleviate any ruminating I was doing and expressed my needs (Boundaries) in order to be able to ride out the tide of the situation we are in.
I was direct, clear, precise, unemotional. I was proud of myself, it felt good.. it was empowering, it could have set me up for success in this situation. I tried to detach myself from his reaction to my assertions.. his feelings are his, not mine, I am not responsible for his feelings. I AM responsible for my own. I am getting control of this early, in a healthy manner.. it will all be okay! Then.. I started to retract them a little... Just like I did in my alcoholic marriage.. Okay, one drink is ok. One more drink is ok. Do not drink more than this six pack. on and on.... changing my boundaries because I am so afraid to stand up for myself...
I find this ironic... I will stand up for my loved ones, I will roar and bite and mame to protect the ones I love... what does that say about myself esteem, if I am unable to do the same for myself?
Anyway... I identified what was making me uncomfortable, I recognized that I needed to set a boundary to take care of myself. I expressed my boundary assertively, with out emotion, in a calm, direct manner. Before going back on my carefully crafted words (boundaries).. it felt really, really good to assert myself. It truly was a sign of self-respect. How can anyone respect me, if I do not respect myself? it felt good... I cannot beat myself up, I am still learning.. I am going to focus on how good it felt to express myself, without attachment, without anger or tears..
Given that it has taken me 44 years to gain the self-awareness to recognize when a boundary is being crossed and learn to assert my needs.. I cannot expect to get it perfect right out of the gate. Yes, I retracted, but I know I did it. The awareness is coming, the self respect to maintain my boundaries, may very well be the next challenging step.. But, as long as I hold on to how good it felt for me to express myself.. I can continue honing in my self awareness. I can practice identifying when something is upsetting me, what I need to be ok, and how to express it. I can keep going, keep trying.
Truly, the only way to find happiness in life, is by setting boundaries. Boundaries keep others from taking you for granted, from taking advantage of you, from manipulating you.
Tonight.. I am going to visualize about taking down some of my walls, allowing me to be open to receive love. I am going to visualize replacing those walls with clear walls, that can be accessed through a door. Clear.. because I need to be transparent about my boundaries, transparent with my needs. Still a wall, because I need some boundaries.. my problem has always been all or nothing... My boundaries have always been non existent, until I get hurt, then I build the highest, hardest, solid walls around me, to keep everyone else out, the exact opposite of what I really want... and possibly need.... Transparent walls, let everyone know my boundaries.. this is what I need.. this is what I accept and don't.. here is a door.. after accepting me.. and my boundaries, you can come through the door.. but.. once you have agreed to my boundaries, if you are not okay with them... do not come through the door.. I can and will lock you out, if you can not respect me and my boundaries.
Tonight, I will visualize, my new walls, clear and concise. As someone who has rarely put up enough of the right walls.. I may have difficulty with this visualization, but truly, by keeping in touch with my emotions daily, I can establish them as I go.. one day at a time.
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