Spiritual Healing

I did not intend to write another post tonight. I just had the second most intense spiritual experience of my life. I am not even sure it makes sense for me to write it, it was such an out of body experience, my soul is singing right now, but my mind is trying to talk me out of what I just experienced.

For starters, I have yet to journal about my most intense experience, which happened just a few days ago, quite possibly because my mind could not fathom what happened. So, I want to start by writing about this one, as it is so fresh, I still feel its effects.

I am feeling a little emotionally unstable today. I can logically justify that instability by telling myself that it is because the guy I am currently seeing, has some things to take care of before we can be completely together. As in every other relationship in my life, I sat by the phone most of the day. I can justify it and say I had a long weekend, I stayed in bed all day because I was tired, because I wanted to rest before returning to work tomorrow.

When I did hear from him, I did not want to be excited, I wanted to tell him my boundaries in the relationship. I wanted to express my needs and I did. I did this because in the past, I have tried to hide my insecurities, from them, from myself... When the man I am with does something to make me insecure, I usually say nothing. (which, if you know me, you would never suspect I am quiet about anything on my mind!) Anyway, I usually let the insecurity build up.. until, the bad behavior starts.. I become passive aggressive, emotional, needy, obsessive. I make every possible action on his part, a betrayal of some sort, feeding into my own insecurity. In time, A good man, becomes exhausted by this. I have been called a psychic vampire. As I begin to study energy, I understand it, these men were exhausted by me. They did love me, they just need to distance themselves from me, because I drain the energy from them. Psychic vampire is such a horrible term. It hurt me endlessly to be called this, because they know exactly what they are saying, without even knowing. I become the one in the room that is so miserable, so negative towards everything that you cannot keep them in your space too long. In a relationship, where you spend much of your time together, this begins to wear on you, break you down, make you feel like you are suffocating. Indeed, as I look back on my emotional energy at the time, I very well was draining them, I was trying so hard to fill my empty emotional bucket with love, but I needed it from them. They did love me.. or they wouldn't have stuck around so long, eventually, however, it feels like your soul has been sucked dry. They find someway to leave. They may outright say they are done, or they too begin to behave badly and do something to have me end the relationship.

Anyway.. I digress, but felt a need to give a little back story.. frankly as I started writing the back story, it occurs to me that none of this had ever occured to me so consciously before.

Ok, Ok, back to the story... (this blog is called ramblings... just sayin). I had been thinking about the past, my relationships, things I still needed emotional closure on. I contacted two of those men, wanting to talk about things that were surfacing for me. One of them will call me tomorrow. The other, is somewhat spiritual himself, probably more so than I. He and I talked a little and then we talked about the need we both have to get together and do some healing, understanding and forgiveness. This is a huge step, he tried to do this with me at another time in my life, but I was not ready. This is a huge step, because we have some very deep and powerful experiences to discuss, including a lost child. My mind does not look forward to this, but my soul, my soul needs to heal and I know this is a necessary step for us.

 I have some insecurities about my current relationship and was trying to set some boundaries today, to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Frankly, they may have sounded as ultimatums and maybe they are, but they were firm boundaries. (I have never done this before and stuck to it). This time, I intend to stick to my boundaries, as I know this has caused me many difficulties in my life, in relationships with lovers and my children.So, I felt this is important as I am on this personal growth journey. I also tried very hard to detach myself from his response. On this, I didn't do as well, but we all start somewhere. I turned my phone off, to try and stop the endless chatter I would put myself into if I continued to wait. My phone simply was not ringing because it was turned off... I tried, but kept turing the phone back on and torturing myself for the lack of an answer. I digress again...

Also, on numerous occassions, I felt as though I can read peoples emotional energy. I always have, but rarely pay attention to it. Usually, it is someone I love or care about, I literraly think I can feel their energy, feel it, not sense it, but feel it. The way it feels to be them. Happy, sad, angry, ruminating, I can feel the energy. I cannot always put my finger on it, but the better I know a person, the more accessible this is.

Anyway, with all of these things swimming around in my head, I ended up doing some reading on energy, reiki, energy healing etc. At some point, I decided to metitate. I put on a third eye meditation, supposed to open your third eye. I closed my eyes and listened to the guided meditation. I wasn't quite getting there.. I needed music to get me there, not someones voice, so I put on some music, called spiritual healing music.

I layed on my bed and closed my eyes, really just wanting to get rid of the stress and some of the ruminating I had been doing all day. THinking I needed to cleanse the stress before heading back to work tomorrow, where I carry my confident persona.  Anyway, It was not long into the music, I could fel myself drifting to an alternate state of consciousness. I was awake, but not awake, something very different than anything I can describe, but I literally felt detached from my body.

As allowed this rather odd state of consciousness (to my mind) to sink over me, images started running through my mind, just quick snippets of an image, two things came up from my current relationship. Intuition or insecurity, I don't know, it is hard to tell the difference sometimes. But, I try to tell myself that if it is just  a sense that somethings is off, but unexplicable why it feels off, this is my intuition. If I it has specifics, like " he must be doing this because..." I am trying to attribute that to insecurity, not everyting is about me... not everyone is trying to hurt me. A nagging feeling with specific information is my insecurity. lol, or am I just trying to convince my mind to stop telling me what I don't want to hear. Whatever the impetus is that makes me feel that way, I have to detach from it and let it go. I am aware that I need to stop being attached to the outcome and just go with it, but the actions are much harder than talking about it.

Anyway, some of those things flashed in my mind first. I tried to push them aside and go deeper into my heart. Suddenly, the image was me, in my room, I could see the room, it was one I had lived in. I was crying, it was literally one of the worst days of my entire life. I started sobbing, but it was intense, transporting me back to that day. almost ten years ago. I was sobbing just as hard as if it was that day, tears were litterally running down my cheeks. My heart felt like it was cracking. Not imagined, I literally felt like I was having a heart attack, it was that intense. I considered shaking myself out of this altered state, in case I really was having a heart attack. Instead, I decided to let the pain wash over me. I was reminded of being in labor. I just focused on the pain, let it take over and it will subside. I imagined how that worked... swelling of intense agony... peaking.. then subsiding.. Focusing on your breath... you are somehow able to find the strength to power through each wave of pain. As I imaganed this, I am still sobbing. Sobbing so hard I feared my kids my hear it. Sobbing uncontrollably... forcing myself to stay in it and let it wash over me.. pain... peaks... subside... My heart truly felt as though it was cracking.... as I took a deep breath I imagined the relief of pushing during labor. LIke you are pushing with every ounce of strength, pushing, pushing, until you hear the sobs of new life on the other side of the pain, the intense, overwhelming feelings of love for this new life that came from your own womb.

Suddenly, a vision of some blue birds, reminiscent of a Disney movie appeared and the birds had some beautiful silk ribbon. They sewed my heart with the ribbon.. as they sewed, I am transported again to a beautiful field, filled with daffodils and daiseys. I am running in the field towards a man. He awaits me with outstretched arms and I jump into his arms and we spin around, laughing. My heart feels overwhelmed again. This time it feels as though it is going to burst out of my chest. I think it hurts, but its a different hurt. Like the phrase, I love you so much, it hurts... I felt that powerful love for the man in the field. We run off into the flowers, hand in hand and a feeling of intense emotional love overwhelms my body. I can feel my body physically writing in pain now, back and forth between extreme emotional pain and sheer pain from loving with everything I have. Back and forth, I am sobbing, crying of pain, of joy. It was incredibly intense.

Visions of us laying in bed, smiling, glowing in the warmth of eachother after making love. we are looking into each others eyes, and I literally felt my hand reach out to him on the bed.. but of course, this was all in my mind, or my heart, or my third eye or whatever it was...

Now I am on a beach, the same beach I recently had a very spiritual event. On the Northern Coast of California the angry waves are crashing agains the rocks. and calmly rolling out to do it again.. hmm... similar to the waves of pain I just descrbed. I started to atune my breath with the crashing waves.. I look up and there is an aisle of flowers and a gazebo at the end. I start to walk down the flowery aisle in a white flowing dress and bare feet. At the other end is a minister of some sort, maybe a judge? The same man is standing there waiting for me.

Then a vision of an old couple, sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of a log cabin in a mountain pasture. The couple is holding hands and they are filled with love.. I feel the love, it is powerful, but not needy, a kind of love that is more about the person you love than the feeling you get in return. True love, without need. Then, they are laying in bed, older still,  white down comforter on the bed, where they lay side by side, looking at each other with the same, intense love. They whisper love to each other, look each other in the eyes, filled with such powerful love, they each take thier last breath, at the same time. One of them was me. I still cannot see his face...

I think to myself that this is what is coming my way, that perfect cinderella kind of love. I am on my way to the love I have been seeking. Suddenly, the face is mine, the man is me... I am filling my own heart with love, but it is not just me, there is a man there and he loves me, but my own self love feels more intense and satisfactory.

I am now at a wedding reception, I assume is ours... and then visualize a man and woman dancing. This time,  I could see the man, he looked almost like my father, but with kinder eyes, filled with love. Another scene flashes, a little girl dancing with her daddy, I could see the dress and everything. She is dancing on his shoes and he whirls her around. She feels so loved, she cannot stand it. She feels so loved, she will never seek love for insecurity. The little girl was me somehow, but I could only see the back. But I felt the way her daddy loved her and it was powerful, primal and protective.

I was amazed at this, it felt like I was transported backwards to some emitional wounds, but after the picture flashed, the pain subsided and energy came into my cells. It was incredibly powerful.

I decided to focus on that healing energy and try to send it to my nexk and my back. I wanted to make the pain I have been feeling in my back for so long to go away.

I noticed, as I tried to send the warm energy to my back, it turned to cold, like an ice pack. Amazing! I made a mental note to read up on mind-body healing.

As I am writing this, the images are getting faded, I cannot remember anymore what I was seeing, but I remember something made my stomach twitch and writhe in pain, I tried to focus my energy on my stomach. I could literally feel the warm energy come in through my body and towards my stomach but kept getting blocked at my lungs. Breathing slowly, in and out, I visualized breathing warm energy in and exhaling everything dark and painful... it was surreal.

THere were other physical manifestations, but as I write, I am losing clarity. Now I know to keep the back stories to a minimum until the experience is written. Then I can go back and evaluate it.

I feel emotionally drained now. It was so powerful, I could feel the emotions from my visions. My eyes are becoming heavy. I am curious if I can get there again, so quickly, wanted to close my eyes and find out. At the same time, trying to find balance and recognizing that too much of a good thing, becomes a bad thing. But, how could all that emotional energy and healing be a bad thing?? I can only say that I literally felt it so severely, so real, that every myscle in my body is sore.

So, instead, I wish to close my mind and let the dreams unfold.

Have you ever had an experience like this or am I literally off my rocker? I feel the need to read and see if anyone else has ever experinced something like this..

To a good night sleep and healing energy, I plan to drift off to a sweet and restful slumber, free of some of the emotional scars I have been carrying around.