Boundaries with Children

I was looking for some more articles on establishing healthy boundaries and I came across this...
I am currently having some boundary issues with my eldest son. He is almost 20, living at home, not working, not in school and not helping around the house.


I realize now, this is in a large part, my responsibility, I have neglected setting healthy boundaries. I have given him several ultimatums, which are perceived, rightfully so.. as empty threats.


My son is irresponsible, selfish, self absorbed... I am horrified that this lovely, intelligent child of mine has become such a nasty human being... He recently left me stranded on the side of the road at 2 am, because he didn't want to get up and help me.. This young man, who calls mama to help him with his car, his insurance, his bills.. everything.


He is stuck in this purgatory.. he wants to assert himself as a man, yet, he does it by acting like a child. It appears as though.. he asserts himself at the oddest times (like when I am stranded on the side of the road at 2 am).


Last month, we had a family meeting.. he told me that he hates me and my other sons (his brothers). Then.. he told me that he knows the things he does and says to me are hurtful. He also said he is afraid to move out and be on his own, but wants to part of being part of this family... no part of doing chores, no part of cleaning, helping around the house, transporting his siblings to school... Apparently he just wants to stay in his room, eating my food, rent free..


At that family meeting.. I agree to give him a little over a month to figure out what he wants in life and to make some headway at getting there. Essentially, a month to goof off on the computer and I assume, two days or so this week, filling out applications or looking for a place to live (But he has no job).


Whatever, I gave the kid what he asked for. He keeps breaking my heart.. he has become so ugly and sarcastic... it really breaks my heart....


Anyway, I came across this excerpt (Above) and it hit home.. regarding this situation... I need to give the kid a healthy dose of tough love. The deadline for our next conversation is just a few days away...


This is not about forcing him into the world without a net.. rather forcing him to respect my boundaries, which may in turn.. force him to see the world for what it is, rather than these rose colored, my mom will take care of me forever world he is currently living in.. especially the one where he gets to treat me like shit on his shoe and eat my food, drive my car, use my internet etc.


Regardless of all the boundaries I have to learn to set in my personal life, this truly could be THE most important one. He is my oldest son, of three. If I do not get this right, he could fail at life, because I did not prepare him. If I do not get this right, I am not teaching him to set healthy boundaries for himself. I will be setting a precedent for the other two boys... I have to get this one right.. I think I will spend some time tonight, evaluating my own boundaries in regards to my children.