For most of my adult life, my personal value has been rooted in my professional success. Having low self esteem, I strive for perfection, professionally, because it has always brought me a sense of self satisfaction and value. However, due to my low self esteem, it has never been enough for me to recognize my own value, I have always had a strong need for recognition. Over the years, I have received many, many awards and recognition for my professional work. The recognition always feels good, feeds my ego, makes me feel valued and appreciated. Sadly, the recognition is just a snap shot in time, and the next day, back to ground zero, having to again, prove myself again. The recognition feels good at the moment, but never feeds my soul, the way I needed, I felt valued and appreciated, but.. it was never enough.. I found myself on a spiral of busting my ass to be the best and then falling into a deep depression, overworked, underfed and bone tired. This cycle would continue.. over and over and over again. Could this have been the cycle of depression and mania associated with bi-polar? Could this just be evidence of my very low self esteem, professional recognition never filling my tank enough to actually feel good about myself, followed by depression over the lack of feel good feelings associate with the professional excellence and recognition. It is hard to tell.
When I retired from the military, I felt as though I was lost. Hanging up my combat boots was like losing myself. While my self esteem has always been an issue, putting my combat boots on in the morning was like putting on my alter-ego. My hard working, self assured, confident self wore a military uniform. When I retired, I felt as though I lost my family, my professional competence and ultimately my identity, or at least the identity I was most proud of. They say transitions in your life cause a great deal of stress. Retiring from the military, moving across the country, starting a new job (essentially a new career), took a toll on my mental well being. Looking back, it took a bigger toll on me then I was willing to admit. Now, almost four years later, another cross country move, another new career, another new start... I am recognizing the effects it took on me. Moving to a new place, where you don't know anyone, working with people that cannot be your friends because they work for you, no ability to make new friends outside the office because you work too much and failure to recognize the stress, or the impact all these changes have also had on your children... almost too much to handle thinking about, let alone living though...
I have never been close with my family. When moving to a new place with the military, they take care of you, you get a sponsor who helps you get settled, shows you around, helps you find resources you need (daycare, schools, etc.). You instantly bond with people because they have all been there, moved every few years and started over. Even the kids are accepted easily by other military children who understand moving to a new place is difficult.
Moving after the military is different... no one to help you unpack, find resources, learn your way around and your support system is left behind where you left.
This actually is not where I intended to go with this post at all... but, as I write, I realize there are a few lessons in here...
While it is okay to have a strong work identity, in today's world, things change fast, downsizing, rightsizing, technology, all play a roll in your longevity with a company. Such a strong professional identity can be swept out from under you without a moments notice. A strong support system, be it family, friends, church family or anything else is important to help you navigate the changes.
My depression isolates me. My introverted style, keeps me with only a few close knit friends, which I tend to push away, when I am depressed. The sheer act of moving keeps me motivated.. for a while... because there is so much to be done, packing, moving, unpacking and getting a new household put together.. it is easy to keep busy and not focus on the fact that you recently left everything you knew and behind. Doing this two time in 3 years is stressful. Doing it without a support system is more stressful. Doing it with depression... almost lethal. Once the pomp and circumstance of finding a place to live, learning to navigate your new home town, getting physically settled in a new home, starting a new job is distracting for a while.. but once it dissipates, the feelings of loneliness, isolation and self loathing set in. Then, there are no close friends to recognize you are isolating. There are no close friends to drag you out of bed when you cant face the world another day... There is just you and your thoughts... your ugly, self-loathing thoughts. You are not established in your new job, so you are getting no recognition to feed your self worth.. all self worth was professionally based. There is no one you know or trust enough to talk about what you are feeling.. You haven't even found a counselor yet.. if you used one to begin with... The last 4 years, since my retirement have been a very slippery slope indeed....
It is time to break out of it.. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of self loathing. I am tired of not having a support system. I am tired of feeling like this.
There is no one to drag me out of my isolation, I have to be my own support system and drag myself out of it. I need to get out of the house and do things to feed my soul... It is time to start taking care of myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment